a lil history lesson on my life so far…

i turned 20 less than a month ago, and while i didn’t feel different physically on my birthday, it was (and is) a big mental block for me. like, what do you mean i’m two decades old? how did that even happen? didn’t dad carry me in to the house when i pretended to be asleep in the car last night? didn’t i just finish my third grade school play?

where did the time go?

two decades really have passed, and what a wild ride that has been.

i wasn’t a “normal” child lol. i was always very mature for my age. i remember when i was 7 years old, i sat down with my dad to figure out the total cost of our vacation, down to the cent spent on gas, so i could log it in my planner. i remember i was so excited for career day when i could go sit in business meetings with my dad (note that i was in second grade), and i even created my own business and designed my future office while we were on lunch break.

i was so sure about what i wanted to do i life from a young age. when i was thirteen, my parents sat me down for a serious talk. i was slipping in school, and they wanted to give me an end goal to work toward. so, that night, we found my future college, and that became my everything.

flash forward to the summer before my junior year of high school. my plan had not changed. i was going to go to that school and graduate with a double major in marketing and management. then we got an email from my school announcing that they started a dual enrollment option for homeschoolers so we could start getting college credits out of the way. and when i tell you i was ecstatic… i was ECSTATIC. I enrolled in max credits right away. six credits a sem, three sems a year (fall, spring, and summer). and so began my college journey. i graduated high school with enough credits to be a sophomore in college.

and if i’m being completely honest, i almost backed out of going to college. i wanted to find an online program with which i could continue my degree. i didn’t want to leave home. i was very close with my family, and the thought of leaving them absolutely tore my heart apart. i almost couldn’t bare it. but my dad, with tears in his eyes, would tell me how important it is for me to go. i didn’t understand at the time, and i would dare say i actually disagreed with him. but i didn’t voice that objection, so we ended up driving two thousand miles away with only two suitcases and $100 bucks to my name. and they dropped me off. and they actually drove away.

i’m not even going to lie, i felt so betrayed. like what do you mean they actually left me here? what do you mean they didn’t back out and force me to drive back with them in that car?

but it wasn’t long after that i understood what my dad meant when he told me i needed to go. i needed to find who i was.

here’s the thing. i’m an oldest daughter, and i fit every stereotype associated with that. down at college, i wasn’t my mother’s daughter. i wasn’t my brother’s third parent. i wasn’t my dad’s helper. i was… me. but the problem was i didn’t know who “me” was. I didn’t know who i was without being someone else’s everything. looking back, it was very obvious in the way i existed, but in the moment i had no idea. and i wouldn’t have that idea until my second year at school.

since i came into college as a sophomore, i only had two years to study at that school. and in the beginning that was a relief, because i was so sure i wasn’t going to make friends. i had a lot of self-esteem when it came to myself alone, but in group settings i didn’t have an oz of confidence. but the longer i lived on my own, the more my confidence started to grow. the more comfortable i felt talking to people. and the interesting thing that happened is as my social confidence grew, my confidence to be alone in public also grew. my first semester at school was horrible socially haha. i was so anxious to do anything. it took me a week to go to a cafeteria (i lived off of leftovers that my family left with me). i was so scared the first time i tried grab-and-go (a drive-through style cafeteria), and i didn’t even visit the second in-person cafeteria until my second semester. but that second year, it was easier. i would go to the cafeteria in the middle of rush hour and eat alone. i would study in the library without anyone else. i would go for walks around campus solo.

and the more time i spent with myself, the more i started learning about myself. and it turns out i was interested in more than the corporate life i dreamed of as a young girl.

i was interested in science, fashion, dance, teaching, languages, travelling, baking, and writing, among MANY others. this new me was very interesting, if i do say so myself. but she was also very confused.

that brought with it complications. it challenged everything i ever knew about myself. it made me question my major, my course choices, and my entire life trajectory. i almost did the cowardly thing and suppressed it. but i didn’t. i faced it head-on.

and i ended up changing my major. i ended up taking classes i actually enjoyed. i started an on-campus bakery and started tailoring people’s clothes. i created business ideas and travel plans and even started learning two languages with the help of my international friends.

and i started feeling different. i started feeling autonomy. i started feeling… whole. i don’t even know how to explain it, but as i started living for myself, living for other people started being easier.

and then the second year came. and i started feeling lost again.

i had built this new life down at college, one that i was very proud of. one that consisted of a beautiful little community. i felt like i had just started finding my place, and at the same time i was being pulled away by my graduation date, which also happened to be before my 20th birthday.

i couldn’t help but feel like i had chosen to throw myself into the real world. everyone i know still had two more years of undergrad, plus at least three years in grad school. they still had five years of preparing to do. and me? i was welcomed to the world with a degree before i was even out of my teenage years. in the past, i had always been the youngest in any room i was in. but this was different. i had an upper hand by being young and in those rooms. now, my age is a disadvantage. i don’t have the experience others do, even if i have the degree. the playing field was level.

in the midst of all those emotions, i found another degree. yes, i am the typical “i’m not ready to get a job yet so let me get another degree” girly.

so, what was supposed to be my gap year became a year loaded with credits and classes and transcript requests. as the semester gets closer, i can’t help but feel a little FOMO about it all. i can’t help but wonder if i’m going to fit in when i go back to campus next year. i wonder if friends will move on and find their rhythm without me. i wonder if i’m going to put myself in the same position i was in when i first came to campus: alone, trying to find her rhythm.

but this time, i’m ready.

i have the confidence. i have the self esteem. i have the motivation and the discipline. i have the excitement and the expectation. and i know i won’t be disappointed.

after all, life is only what we make it to be. and me? i decide to make it undeniably exciting. undeniably interesting. do i have any idea what person i’m going to be in a year? absolutely not. do i have any idea which of these many MANY paths i’ve created for myself i’ll chose? far from it.

but we only have one life. and if we don’t at least try for the things we want, then what is the point of it all? life is meant to be lived, loved, and savored. life is meant for twisted roads and alluring side attractions. that’s all part of the fun.

i know i’m not the only one in this (general) situation. so many people don’t know what they want to do, who they’re trying to be, where they’re wanting to go… so let’s just focus on the next step. let’s just get through today, tomorrow, and this week. you never know where you’re going to find yourself if you let yourself live.

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